I WANT TO BUY A BICYCLE I WANT TO BUY A BIKE

If you want to trade your puny human legs for rubber circumferencised ones, consider buying a bike. It’s a much faster way to get around, and you can pretend that you are the pinnacle of human speed and grace. It’s also great for swearing at cars without fear of repercussions (aside from death). A nice place to buy a bike is the Bike Station (Haugh Rd). They’re cheap, second-hand bicycles that are lovingly restored by the people that work there, and prices start at around £80, including a 3 month free(!) warranty. If that sounds too expensive, the ‘for sale’ section on Gumtree has a huge selection too.

Beat the crowds

At some point in your student life, you will need to journey from a point A to a point B. You will probably have to cross Sauchiehall Street to do this. However, you might not want to do this. Maybe you are hungry and want a kebab but have no money. Maybe you’re running late for work. If you want to avoid the hassle and confusion, know that there are streets which run parallel on both sides which are much quieter. If travelling towards the city centre, the left one (Renfrew St) is bicycle friendly. If going the other way, the also left one (Bath St) is better. See they are both left because you’re going in different directions each time. You might never use this, but it might help you out one day.

Time to fuckin’ boost

Try as you might, you can’t stay in the West End forever. Certain occasions will beckon you further afield, for work/play/overhyped streetfood pop-up. Fortunately, there are a multitude of ways to escape the shadow of the uni.

Subway:

claustrophobic, over-priced, immersive noise pit. Limited by the area it covers, but it covers the city centre well. The benches in the station slope downwards and so they are impossible to get comfortable on, and the ones that don’t have benches are usually island platforms with trains rushing around both sides of poor subterraneans.

Bus:

unreliable but covers more area. Runs later than Subway, stops running about midnight, but then on Fridays/Saturdays there are night buses, if you’re into vomit and screams.

Hoofin’ it:

Costs £0 and keeps you fit.

Personal fave: Cycling:

Either buy one and impress all your friends with your dirty greasy shins and aerodynamic clothing, or use Nextbike. Nextbike is a cycle rental service, and as a student of UofG you’re entitled to a free Premium subscription, which gives you a 30 minute ride for free. (If you can’t get anywhere you need to go within 30 minutes then it’s either too far away or you better hit the gym, son.) A key benefit is that it is available 24 hours a day, after clubs close, and long after buses and subway stop! Be warned, cycling while drunk is both illegal and extremely dangerous, so stay cautious. Stops are placed all over the city, and the bikes are well-maintained.

Taxi:

People will tell you not to use private hire because… snobbery? Black Hackney cabs are great and feel very fancy, and you can hail an unoccupied one wherever (unlike private hire) but they can also be quite pricey, especially after midnight. Good private hire companies include; Hampden Cabs (best for Southside), Arrow Cars, West End Radio Cars, and Network (cheap, but unreliable).

Getting to Central Station without going uphill

If you wake up in the morning with a train to catch, but you feel like you’ve been poured out of a very fizzy beer can, the walk to Central Station can seem daunting. The long gentle uphill along Sauchiehall Street (if coming from the West End) can truly destroy any semblance of normalcy the morning after the night before, and leave you feeling shaky and generally distressed. If you’re willing to explore new areas, there is a much quicker, easier way. Walk along the M8 footpath (don’t worry, it’s perfectly safe) until you reach Anderson station. Then take a left, and continue until you get to the station. Downhill all the way baybee.

How to cheat the subway and win at life

If you live in the West End, you will probably take the subway at some point. You will probably buy a ‘Smartcard’, which lets you pay in advance for tickets. £1.50 is extremely expensive for a single journey, but don’t worry: every journey you take after the second (so £3 total cost) is free for that day. The difference between 2 journeys and 12 is exactly £0.00. Go on a tour of the best pubs in Glasgow, or just hop on and off, knowing that in a pathetic way you have beat the system.

The Charing Cross intersection is a marvel of civil engineering

The best set of traffic lights in all of Glasgow can be found connecting the West End to the City Centre. They are perfectly timed to ensure maximum pleasure for both pedestrians and cars, and walking across them is like walking on a cloud full of green lights. They are a certain 10/10, and the person who designed them is an unsung hero. If you don’t like traffic lights, there is also a pedestrian overpass so you can look at all the people enjoying the traffic lights below. The five points of the intersection are like a star gently shooting rays of pleasantness all over Glasgow, sending cars and drunks on their merry way.