Live From Las Vegas // news

90's club

Live From Las Vegas // 06.04.11 // 90s Floorfillers

ah remember thi day

when the dance led the way

the beat, the babes

the chip, the sause

the dummies

the fannies

beatz

beatz beatz

beatz international

------------------------------Paddy McGrachin (aged 8 1/2)

Posted at 18:51, 19th April 2011

sea

Live From Las Vegas // 23.03.11 // The Sea

ESSENTIAL LISTENING!!!

Why did the whale cross the sea? ... to get to the other tide.

What do you get if you cross a salmon, a bird’s leg and a hand? ... Birdsthigh fish fingers

What smells of fish but isn't fish? ... fish paste

Why was the sea wet? ... because it listened to this episode of LIVE FROM LAS VEGAS!!!

Posted at 12:38, 28th March 2011

family

Live From Las Vegas // 16.03.11 // Family

Oh families. I remember my family. Odd lot of pricks so the were. There was one day when father of my family came home from work early and heard the strange noises mother was making. He rushed upstairs to see what the cause of such commotion was. He found mother on the bed naked, sweating, and breathing heavily. "What the cuss is going on?" enquired father. "I'm having a heart attack" replied mother. Father rushed downstairs to call an ambulance so that mother could be safely taken to hospital. Before the call could go through, however, sister came through and said to father: "Uncle is hiding upstairs in your closet; he's completely naked!” Father dropped the phone, marched upstairs, opened closet and proceeded to kick the cuss out of uncle while screaming "you cussing prink! My wife is having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!”

"Happy families", my mother whispered. "Happy Families".

Posted at 13:22, 17th March 2011

beauty

Live From Las Vegas // 02.03.11 // Beauty

Happy birthday to me... Happy birthday to me... Happy birthday to me...

It was birthday fun all round. There was cake, there were balloons, there was jelly (and I'm not talking about the stuff in my pants... because the doctor gave me pills for that and it's clearing up); birthday joy was had by all. "Who's this one from?" I asked, referring to a neatly wrapped blue box adorned with a ribbon and no indication of who it was from. When no response met my inquiry I shrugged and set about opening the package. It was so carefully wrapped and sealed that it took me the best part of four hours to open, cracking my fingernails and cutting my hands to shreds in the process. When finally the present was open a horrible smell was released from the box. I hesitated to look in. What I saw in there was some kind of sea pig, gasping for breath and dying in the open air. Its movements were slow and alien. I could hear a sound coming from its little mouth. It sounded like little more than a moan but for some strange reason I thought I could make something out of it. I leaned in closer till my face was but an inch from the creature’s dry crusty mouth. Then I heard it speak to me: "you beauty".

Posted at 10:04, 7th March 2011

movies

Live From Las Vegas // 23.02.11 // Movies

Here's an idea for a movie: Scarlette Johansen is this plumber and she's fixing a leaky pipe when suddenly the pipe turns into a dragon and she flies on it's back to a fantasy world that's a cross between Narnia and Ashton lane, there she meets a king who's played by Patrick Stewart but the twist is everyone is played by Patrick Stewart, even the dragon. The dragon seduces her at one point to get pumbing information, it's like inception or something. And then she wakes up and thinks it was just a dream but then she finds out she had a dragon VD. That's the twist. Morgan Freeman can play god.

Posted at 13:30, 1st March 2011

love again

Live From Las Vegas // 16.02.11 // Love Again

So I goes up ta thus wee dolly burd and ah'm all like "Whit the funk dae ye want frim me hen?" and she's all like posh, you know, and in a wee posh voice is geein it all: "I, I don't know what it is you mean. I don't want anything. Please, just leave me alone". But suddenly she catchis mah eyes an she freezes tae the spot. Pure tundra freeze, like. An she just keeps starin at us. "What ye starin at you screggy wee nymph" I say, pure up in her face, like. An then she goes: "You are such a troubled soul, but I can see a deep beauty inside you. You only need love. I could love you, if only you'd let me". Flippin heavy like. But before I could say nuffin oor three minutes wis up and ah hid tae go tae the next table. Speed datin's a load a sight.

Posted at 13:21, 1st March 2011

john barry

Live From Las Vegas // 09.02.11 // John Barry

John Barry OBE (1933 – 2011). "When writing a Bond theme just remember one thing; it has to be about cock".

Posted at 13:08, 1st March 2011

house & home

Live From Las Vegas // 02.02.11 // House and Home

It was a curious case indeed. It happened in February while the winter winds still shocked my cock in his hutch at night. The victim was found with in the early hours of the morning and was thought to have been killed the night before. The unusual thing about this case was where the gentleman's head should be; in its place was a house. "But who could have dropped the house on his head?" I asked Homes. Homes replied, "That is elementary my dear Watson. This was a new walking house ala http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvxIB83Y0PA." He continued, "It must have chased him down and sat on his face". I quickly responded by saying "Sat on his face? Are you suggesting a sexual connection?” To which Homes gently nodded his head and smiled for it was the question he had been waiting to hear for years. We kissed then made furious love to one another in our...HOME.

Posted at 13:00, 1st March 2011

christmas

"IT'S CHRISTMAS!" -Once the cry of the working man, has now been replaced with: "Christmas; more like christpish"

Is this David Cameron satire? You be the judge.

Posted at 12:43, 1st March 2011

war

Live From Las Vegas // 08.12.10 // War

After the Cold War, the AK-47 became Russia's biggest export. After that came vodka, caviar, and suicidal novelists.

Nine out of ten war victims today are killed with assault rifles and small arms. The nuclear weapons sit in their silos. AK-47, that's the real weapon of mass destruction.

Bullets change governments far surer than votes.

Please visit; http://www.amnesty.org.uk/

Posted at 22:39, 9th December 2010

winter

Live From Las Vegas // 01.12.10 // Winter

Winter:

Snow, oh no.

Outside a blanket of weath'r dour,

a cold gush of white on the lassies pou'r,

whisping winds across heeds dift,

the yellow snow has left me mift,

snow - blow.

Ice, slip.

I lang for the han' of a girlie fair,

who'd kip mae warum in mee wretched lair,

I'd tugg her ha'r and bite her in the maws,

Just like the frost is bitin' mae baws,

icey grip.

Pouthery snaw.

Alas, alone in a winter sae cauld,

Yet a sheepy wool in my mind can mold,

This ewe and this me in naked hot toil'd,

Ock scunty, my best sheets now spoil'd,

Pedo claw.

***********A poem about Winter by PADDY McGRACGAIN

Posted at 14:53, 7th December 2010

drugs

Live From Las Vegas // 24.11.10 // Drugs

'What are we listening to?', asked the long haired hippie, in a state of horror, to his similarly dessed hippie friend across the other end of the room. The second hippie looked up at his friend in shock: 'It's the same album we've been listening to consecutively for the last three days. Don't you like it?' asked the second hippie who was slightly more ugly than the first and looked like Toby Maguire. 'This is complete crap!', the first hippie replied with a screwed up face like someone had put a cold poo in his mouth. 'What's wrong, dude?', asked Toby Maguire. 'I don't know I just can't stand this terrible music'. 'Wait I know what's wrong', Toby smiled to himseldf, 'you need more weed!' And then the two friends laughed and laughed at their hilarious observation. AND THEN THEY DIED - DON'T TAKE DRUGS!

Posted at 13:50, 29th November 2010

dance

Live From Las Vegas // 17.11.10 // Dance

Mark: Allan, I had the worst dream of my 38 years last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, all dancing in a row.

Allan: What?...wait, Mark. That doesn't sound so terrible.

Mark: You think? In the dream, I was the third girl from the end.

Posted at 16:26, 24th November 2010

dogs

Live From Las Vegas // 03.11.10 // Dogs

Where's a good place to take a dog? I got a new dog. Where's the good dogging sites? My dog wants out. It's gasping for it. The poor thing needs out. I want to take it out dogging.

Posted at 09:47, 10th November 2010

ghosts

Live From Las Vegas // 27.10.10 // Ghosts

Once upon a midnight dreary, while Shrivel Nelson relaxed himself into another night of picking out the factual inaccuracies in his favourite film, 'exorcist 2', taking notes on the back of his hand with a blunt knife between handfuls of jelly worms - suddenly he heard a sound. Surely, thought Shrivel, this must be someone knocking on my chamber door. The idea of someone wanting to see Shrivel at all filled him a terrific terror.

Shrivel hadn't had a visitor since a pizza was accidentally delivered to his address. He loved pizza but just so he would have something to say to someone he told the delivery man 'this is total bogal I'm no eatin this muck'.

Shrivel wasn't prepared for such an encounter again, one visitor is enough he thought. He decided to leave the door and pretend he wasn't in. After a moment the door knocked again, this time much louder than before. The sound shuddered the floor and trembled the walls. Terrible and bloody images filled his mind as he imagined what horror laid waiting for him behind the door. 'Go away', Shrivel said silently to himself as fear made his voice inaudible.

Again the door knocked louder and louder like the sound was moving closer, like the horror was growing. "Oh, I was just sleeping. Who is it? I wasn't ignoring you. I was just getting lots of sleep because I'm kicking chucks out of konts tomorrow. Don't mess..." Shrivel said as he approached the door. The knocking continued but now the sound was so loud it seemed to come from inside his head. He flung open the door...

Darkness there, and nothing more. He looked around fearful, but there was nothing and no one. Gently the air grew denser - he could smell pizza from some unknown source. He imagined it was two friends sharing a pizza in the flat opposite. Shrivel sat on the landing looking out into the dark lysergic void from which the distance opened its jaws, "you can kill me if you want... I'm so lonely".

***********************************HAPPY HALLOWE'EN FROM LIVE FROM LAS VEGAS

Posted at 16:46, 1st November 2010

cats

Live From Las Vegas // 20.10.10 // Cats

# Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He set a new lap record. # Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens. # What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause. # What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat? A peeping tom. # Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs. # What is a cat's favourite song? Dark was the night, cold was the ground

Posted at 17:58, 24th October 2010

party

Live From Las Vegas // 13.10.10 // Parties

B: Oh hi Mark, glad you could make it.

M: Yeah, well I had no other plans.

B: I thought you were writing your suicide note tonight?

M: Well... I was, but I don't know I just get so distracted and loose interest. It's depressing really.

B: Well never mind all that - have a drink! Come, you really must meet my friend Claire.

M: Is she good-looking?

B: No, but I didn't think that was your type.

M: I assure you it's the other way round.

B: Well just talk to her; she's so interesting. She's a writer and photographer. She's having her first novel published.

M: Bloody hell, I don't think I'm smart enough for this girl.

B: Oh she's lovely, she was just saying earlier how much she's enjoying meeting new people on her course at Glasgow Uni-

M: I don't think I'm going to have a problem.

Posted at 17:51, 24th October 2010

dreams

Live From Las Vegas // 28.09.10 // Dreams

Allan: So tell me about your tream, Mark.

Mark: Well in my dream I see all the people I've ever lusted after, all of them and they all live together in one house and have meals together and everything-

Allan: A bit like the dream sequence in 8 1/2?

Mark: A bit, yeah... well they're all there all the great loves of my life, all two of them-

Allan: Am I one of them?

Mark: Yip.

Allan: And the other one?

Mark: Me.

Posted at 10:44, 7th October 2010

city

Live From Las Vegas // 21.09.10 // Cities

I am a city slicker. I read the metro on the tube. I buy my lunch from Pret A Manger everyday. I never wear brown. I read the posters at the bus stop. On weekends I go for drinks with a few friends at either Wetherspoons or Yates's. We talk about the traffic in this city. I buy my clothes from the high street shops but I'm not against using the internet. I update my internet status everyday. I like to stay connected. If I'm running late for work I'll just hail a taxi. I buy the right magazines for men every month. I like to eat out at restraunts, my favourite is Italian. I'm a city slicker. What's my perversion? I like getting spanked while dressed as a giant baby....

Posted at 11:12, 28th September 2010

return

Live From Las Vegas // 21.09.10 // Cities

The religious figure, dressed in white, climbed down from his high-chair in the car and slid his feet towards the lectern. He made sure to avoid the eye contact of those hundreds watching him lest they see his sunken, snake-like eyes. He clutched tight to his gilded crucifix and drew on the strength of being bigger than the little silver man dangling from the cross in his hand. As he stared out at the crowd, ensuring to keep his lids low, he saw not people. No, it wasn't lives with feelings and desires, hopes and dreams; all he saw was bovine. They're mouths drooling with anticipation of the sex advice they'd receive from the geriatric virgin on stage.

"Condoms are sinful", croaked the old toad after checking with the voices in his head he believed to be divine. Without question the crowd accepted these words as being as true as the facts of their own histories and memories and salivated for more.

Suddenly then a man appeared as if suddenly coming into existence only in that instant and was standing next to the old pensioner in white. His clothes were ragged and his appearance scruffy but in his face there seemed to be the glow of human kindness - the light that cold souls crowd around.

"I have returned!” spoke the young man in a gentle voice. "I have returned to tell you that you must stop all this. This is not right. Divinity lives within and divinity lives without. You must find your own truths and your own Lord within yourselves. Do not believe without reason the words of one man but rather find the words yourself and together through brotherhood and charity. This smelly old peadophile can't help you find the answers any more than Jeremy Kyle or Live from Las Vegas can. See the words in the book not as rule but as a guide. A guide to finding within our own souls our own gods and this way we may all be master of our own life".

Before the softly spoken man could continue the smelly old peado gestured with his claw, and an instant later the young man was shot.

'Still, it's better than that last Tom Jones comeback', thought a member of the audience.

Posted at 00:00, 17th September 2010

death

Death. Dead. Death. Morbid, isn't it? It is something that comes to us all. Not just grandmothers and the henchmen of evil villains. I think Shakespeare said it best when he exclaimed, "To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow, To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow, To-morrow, to-morrow, to-morrow...etc" (Macbeth, Act V, Sc. V). But luckily for us some great things have come out of death. It has been used by writers and artists as a creative muse for many, many hours now - and some of mankind’s greatest artistic legacy has been built around the fascination with death. Why, just think back to that essay you wrote in English for Mr McKenzie (or whoever it was) about your grandmother passing away and how it made you feel. I bet you got a pretty good mark for it, didn't you? This is our last episode for the season; but hopefully not our last breath on subcity. Inappropriately therefore, in this week's episode of 'Live from Las Vegas' we grapple with the sumo of a theme that is - DEATH.

Posted at 22:08, 23rd August 2010

nature

Live From Las Vegas // 01.06.10 // Nature

Live from Las Vegas' things to know about nature:

1. Because of man's (and feman's) dissatisfation with the troubles of city life, he will always seek the greener pastures of a simpler time.

2. But, what comes with that is more ignorant thinking, like tribal superstitions, and the horrific cruelty of nature itself.

3. Although people try to believe that nature is all things bright and beautiful, the reality is a tuneless din of killing and 'at any cost' survival.

4. Mother nature, like all mothers, reveals a breast with one hand; while concealing a knife with the other.

5. Plus it's miles to the nearest Maccie D's!

Posted at 23:43, 8th June 2010

books

Live From Las Vegas // 25.05.10 // Books

As the dwindling day began to melt Godzilla yawned. He had a tough time being a giant dinosour/monster. If only somebody who understood his unbelievable need to destroy. Just then a sexy woman came. He tried to crush the sexy human with his massive foot but something stopped him. Something dangerous and abnormal had taken hold of his mind for the first time. It was obviously love. Godzilla smiled as his super-human hard-on struct, pointed into the Japanese dusk... and the sexy woman just laughed.

*******************Extract from the novel 'twin dilemma' by Jason Riddle

Posted at 16:01, 26th May 2010

jabe

Live From Las Vegas // 18.05.10 // Jabes

THE YOUNGER WOMAN:

Through the cosmic wastes I glide

Knowledge is my only guide

Knowledge of that unique sweet fruit

The knowledge I must never let oot

My one true love, all shevelled and saggen

Sitting in the corner, all worn out from shagging

The droopy hide, and lowland sad eyes

The ravages of time, ye cannae hide

And the ravages of Paddy

True to say, I wore her oot

Wore her like my best church suit

So it’s time to get rid of one old dog

And get a new puppy, for me to snog

West Highland Terrier this time, I think

I do dogs

*****************************************************by Paddy McGracken

Posted at 10:53, 19th May 2010

time travel

Live From Las Vegas // 04.05.10 // Time Travel

Susan Foreman,Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright, Vicki Pallister, Steven Taylor, Katarina, Sara Kingdom, Dodo Chaplet, Polly Wright, Ben Jackson, Polly Wright, Ben Jackson, Jamie McCrimmon, Victoria Waterfield, Zoe Heriot, Liz Shaw, Jo Grant, Sarah Jane Smith, Harry Sullivan, Leela, K-9 Mark I, K-9 Mark II, Romana I, Romana II, Adric, Nyssa, Tegan, Jovanka, Vislor Turlough, Kamelion, Peri Brown, Peri Brown, Jamie McCrimmon, Melanie Bush, Dorothy "Ace" McShane, Grace Holloway, Rose Tyler, Adam Mitchell, Jack Harkness, Mickey Smith, Donna Noble, Martha Jones, Jack Harkness, Sarah Jane Smith, River Song, Astrid Peth, Christina de Souza, Adelaide Brooke, Wilfred Mott, Amy Pond...

If these names mean anything to you then this show is for you. But if your pants have become a little more crowded and a little more brown, then run! Run and don't look back! This is TIME TRAVEL.

Posted at 14:54, 5th May 2010

sports

Live From Las Vegas // 27.04.10 // Sports

ARE YO TIRED OF BEING A WEAKLING? DO ALL YOUR IMAGINARY FRIENDS KICK YOUR SCRONNY RUMP? DO YOU HAVE A BIG BAG OF GUTS INSTED OF A SIX PACK? If I'm speaking to you, and I am, then you need to change. Drop that bloody bag! No more owninism and crying for you, it's time to get in shape. With my eight week program, from £500 a quarter-session, you too can stand up for yourself like a man or a bear. The first step to getting in shape is getting a gun. With a gun you can easily despose of your attacker no matter how much bigger he is. Use his strength and weight against him by shooting him in the head. An easy move to start you off with is if you are caught in a headlock move your arm to your side, make a grip with your hand, around the gun, and then fire the gun. Your life will be changed forever, but don't just take my word for it: "I took the full eight week program and now I'm a man. Thanks Live from Las Vegas" says Pinocio Smith, East Kilbride. "I was a big jesse before but now I have rats in my head. Thanks LLV" says Shrivel Nelson, red road. Be Fab - Kill the flab! -------------------SPORTS

*****P.S. to see a screen shot of the Casper Boom animated LLV visit the link: http://www.michaelarnoldart.com/The%20great%20red%20dragon%20and%20the%20woman%20clothed%20with%20the%20sun.jpg

Posted at 14:02, 2nd May 2010

bad boys

Live From Las Vegas // 20.04.10 // Bad Boys

Dear Live from Las Vegas,

First off I would like to say that I am a huge fan. I fill two seats on the train. The jibes, the jokes, the gags and the scoffs - I love it all. Every week my girlfriend and I -I'll make up a name for her later- tune in to the show. I particularly like it when the stupid one says something silly and then the clever one says something smart. Why even now I'm sore with the pains of laughter. I mean a potato baby? You can't write that stuff. Unfortunately though I was very upset by the latest show, "bad boys". I am aware of the local trends and the happenings of young people, I know they like controversy, I know they all like to wear diaphragms, I know they use PCP, I know they stab they're best friends, I know they drink purple drank, I know they take crystal meth at parties and eat their girlfriends in a hallucinogenic rage, I know they all dodge tax, I know they swear, I know because I did it too when I was young. We all did. But what bothers me is you didn't know the name of the girl group that sang with Bob Marley on his later recordings. Some things are risqué but that is just cruel. Also next week can you have a show about being good, like me?

Yours hungrily, John Cale

Posted at 12:46, 22nd April 2010

the missing episode

If you are wondering why there is no available show since 'selling out', it's because well...em? - we did do a show. If you were listening live to Live from Las Vegas at the usual time of 2:00pm on a Friday then you will know of the joys of sports and sports songs in our 'sports' episode (I wouldn't want to put words in your mouth but some critics who heard it described it as "the greatest audio experience known to mankind"). As well as enjoying the wonderfully anarchic tomfoolery of the show you might also have noticed that we were not scheduled to be on. Well, we noticed that too... about twenty seven minutes into the show. After that time if you listened carefully, even though we are professionals, you can hear (faintly) the fear and panic in our voices (especially in Allan's).

As we weren't meant to be on - the show can't be linked to the page. This means, unfortunately, this master class in radio isn't available to Joe Public.

What happens next? I'm unsure. Maybe one day on one of those BBC four documentaries at three in the morning they'll unearth the piece of radio gold that is 'sport'. Until then maybe take a little time out of your day, close your eyes and imagine what might have been if sport had been - LIVE FROM LAS VEGAS.

Posted at 10:28, 15th March 2010

selling out

Live From Las Vegas // 05.03.10 // Selling Out

"A lot of pop music is about stealing pocket money from children" - Ian Anderson

Posted at 15:12, 11th March 2010

spies

Live From Las Vegas // 26.02.10 // Spies

V: I spy with my little eye something beginning with... H

E: Hills?

V: No

E: hands? Your looking at your hands?

V: No I'm not.

E: I give up - I hate this game

V: No don't give up. Come on - it's fun. You'll get it. I'll give you a clue. It's something you would kill your mother with.

E: ...What?

V: Something beginning with H that you would use to kill your mother.

E: I think I don't want to play anymore.

V: You can get this. I know YOU can get this: I spy with my little eye something beginning with H that you would use-

E: Stop this now, this isn't funny.

V: That's what she would say, isn't it?

E: Come on now, game's over.

V: I spy

E: I want out of here

V: I spy

E: STOP! FOR CHRIST SAKE STOP! LET ME OUT!

V: I spy

E: HEDGEHOG! HEDGHOG! HEDGEHOG DAMN IT!

**********************************Extract from the play 'I spy' by Shrivel Nelson

Posted at 09:49, 2nd March 2010

sex

Live From Las Vegas // 19.02.10 // Sex

As a director of porn I am often strapped on to some of the clichés associated with the other artists that toil in the same creative vineyard as I. The difference with my work and so many others, I find, is I put my soul in every frame. Sometimes just in the corner – other times in the other corner. A lot of my films are allegories for the short stories of Franz Kafka: ‘Cum Guzzlers 4’ was in many ways like Metamorphosis. Many ways. Everything is important on set and in every frame. What does the Bosch painting in the room say about the characters? What are all the books on the shelf saying about their relationship? Why does this character wear a mask? Because he’s a gimp, is the answer. When I’m filming two girls in love and going for it I tell them, I say: “hey Crystal show us what you’re feeling. Your boyfriend Buck isn’t here, you feel unsure about your feelings towards Candy. When you lick her out, show her your insecurities, your fears and also your burning desire to make a connection with another human being. That’s right get into it – spank her!”

*****************Interview with Godon Sefcik (porn diector; dream weaver)

Posted at 09:34, 2nd March 2010

holiday

Live From Las Vegas // 05.02.10 // Holidays

"Are we there yet?" I asked. "Are we there yet?" I repeated. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we hens wet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" I asked. But I knew that we weren't.

***LIVE FROM LAS VEGAS this week with special guest, two time bafta award winner, SIR WILLIAM CAMPBELL OBE***

Posted at 15:39, 7th February 2010

food

Live From Las Vegas // 29.01.10 // Food

This is how you cook caille en sarcophage, right:

Um, take some...food, right...well, I mean, the ingredients...um...

Well what it is, is, well, it's quail (not quite sure what that is, but I'll wikipedia it) and you put that in a puff pastry shell...

That is, I mean, if you're keen on puff pastry.

Personally, I'm not. It just tastes...well, I dunno...subjective, innit? But I'm not keen.

But, for the purposes of this, uh, thing here, this recipe if you will, I'll, er, carry on.

After you've got the quail in the puff pastry shell (not sure why it has to be a shell- why not a box?) you have to have a, uh, foie gras and also a, uh, truffle sauce.

I mean, you could make it from scratch, but me, personally, speaking for myself, I usually just buy them pre-packed from Lidl. But I mean, it's up to you. I'm not trying to ram this down your ear or anything.

Awright. Cheers. Man 1 from Live from Las Vegas

Posted at 17:50, 29th January 2010

jobs

Live From Las Vegas // 22.01.10 // Jobs

Sue: Is that you Gary?

Gary: Aye

Sue: You're in then, yes?

Gary: Aye

Sue: Is it nice out?

Gary: What?

Sue: Nice?

Gary: No

Sue: Did you get a job?

Gary: No

Sue: What?

Gary: No

Sue: Why no?

Gary: Don't know

Sue: What!?

Gary: Aye

Sue: If you don't get a job i'll have to move back in with the crickets

Gary: Damn you mum, damn you to tarnation. Was man sculpted from such terrible clay only to live out his waking hours toiling in factories and fields? What God bothered his hand for man? What tormenting creator filled our heads and our dreams with such fantastic things so that we may never realise them? A job? A job!? No, while my frail body may only achieve frail deeds shackled to the chain gang of society; my soul it flys. Love does not know nine to five, passion does not know nine to five, my sweet mother - I do not know nine to five. While held in the mercy of his bosom, Time allowed me to think not of careers. My younger self dreamed not of the work force but of the stars and the planets of adventures and most of all about love. Did I grow old only to let these dreams die? Truely man does not grow old, he grows tired. I am very tired now. There is no job for me, no job that will do anything but crush my soul. That boy that I once was has died and so have the golden days of summer in which he sang. Now I am dying too. A job - no! A job - no.

Sue: What?

Gary: Aye

Sue: Give me a hand with these snus, we've only got two left - when they're done we'll have to fight to the death to see who eats the other.

Gary: Aye

-Extract from the play "Job box" by Shrivel Nelson

Posted at 14:43, 26th January 2010

love

Live From Las Vegas // 11.12.09 // Love

Hillary Chinnery returned from work late that day. This had become a regular occurrence but it should be noted that as the years went by the time he returned home had gotten later and later, as if one day he may just never return. This didn't seem like too bad a thing to happen thought his wife, who although loved her husband had grown increasingly sick of him the less she saw of him. It was already well into the evening when Hillary got in. "Where's my tea?" he mumbled before the door was even closed behind him. His wife explained that the chicken was in the oven but the frozen vegetables were not yet defrosted. Rage surged up inside Hillary and he only managed to curb it by focusing on his clenched fists and remembering that his favourite romantic movie was on tonight - running man. After a couple of medium strength lagers, watching Arnold Schwarzenegger kill off the surrounding members of the cast, Hillary felt better. Within the futuristic world he saw Arnold murder someone with a pneumatic drill and say 'screw you'. A cruel smile spread on Hilary's face and he enjoyed the idea that a brutal slaughtering required a proceeding pun. "How was work?" asked his wife from what seemed like nowhere. Hillary ignored the question. "How was work?" she repeated. Again Hillary ignored. "David came round today, asked if we had any plans for Christmas. I told him I didn't know." She said. For some reason this completely enraged Hillary. Blood rushed quickly to his face and he felt the heat burning in his cheeks. Still he said nothing to his wife. "Do you want me to get you another drink?" his wife asked. This was simply too much for the now fuming Hillary. He got up from the chair, constantly referred to as 'my chair', he walked a stiff walk to the kitchen and when he returned he was carrying the bag of not yet defrosted frozen vegetables. He then swung the bag at his wife. He knocked her down. He beat her to death. Hillary looked down at the object that was once a living thing and mumbled - "Rest in pees"

Posted at 11:48, 14th December 2009

weather

Live From Las Vegas // 04.12.09 // Weather

TRANSCRIPT OF PHONE CALL TO THE BBC WEATHER DEPARTMENT

Allan: "Hi, I'd like to speak to Tom Weather."

BBC Girl: "I'm sorry?"

Allan: "Tom Weather. The man in charge of the weather."

BBC Girl: "Do you mean the head of the Weather Department?"

Allan: "Is his name Tom Weather?"

BBC Girl: "No, it's Peter McAllister."

Allan: "Ah. OK. Y'see, I really wanted to speak to Tom Weather."

BBC Girl: "I'm afraid we have no-one by that name working here."

Allan: "OK, what about a Thomas Weather?"

BBC Girl: "I think someone has given you wrong information."

Allan: "No, it says Tom Weather here on my post-it note."

BBC Girl: "Could I ask what your enquiry is about?"

Allan: "Yep, you can ask what it's about."

...

...

...

BBC Girl: "Hello?"

Allan: "I'm still here."

BBC Girl: "Unless you tell me what your enquiry is, I'll have to hang up."

Allan: "Look, just get me Tom Weather. It's not a big thing."

BBC Girl: "Sir, I've told you several times, we don't have a Tom Weather."

Allan: "Do you have a James Raincloud, then?"

BBC Girl: "No-"

Allan: "What about a Fabrice Stormfront?"

BBC Girl: "No, sir, please-"

Allan: "A Tam Galeforce?"

BBC Girl: "I'm hanging up now."

...

...

Allan: "Take a boat to England baby, maybe to Spain..."

Posted at 17:46, 4th December 2009

human body

Live From Las Vegas // 20.11.09 // Human Body

Can you freak me dirty? Freak me till I thank the God above for the human body yeah, yeah, yeah, for the human body slave, slave, slave, slave

---Prince

Now it happens here Do you believe do you believe or really care Can you believe it happens? Now it happens here To a human human With a human body you see

---Roger Taylor

The infection is spreading

---Shrivel Nelson

Posted at 13:11, 21st November 2009

the future

Live From Las Vegas // 13.11.09 // The Future

Have you ever wondered what your future holds for you? Well, WONDER NO LONGER! Presented here for the first time ever are the foretellings of that revered prophet, radio funster Allan P. Jossstone:

'When the changing of the calendar,

Ushers in a new decade,

And the year 2010 is upon us,

The great hog Brown shall lose his glass eye,

And a pillow-faced Etonian called David Cameron,

Shall have some success at the ballot box,

Although I'll be voting for one of those joke parties,

Because I have no respect for the democratic process.'

'When the number twenty,

Is put before the number ten,

And the ceremony of innocence is drown-ed,

Some other events will happen in the world,

Bringing forth the great wrath of the Mock the Week team,

Particularly Frankie Boyle,

Who will probably be releasing a new DVD,

In time for next Christmas.'

'Whatever you have to add together,

To get the number that is next year,

By which I mean, the number 2010,

But I don't mean the number, I mean the year,

A great cloud of rain shall pass over Glasgow,

And drizzle on the heads,

Of whoever is out walking that day,

Unless they carry umbrellas.'

'You know how, right, next year is 2010,

Right?

Well a lot of people,

Might think it's still 2009,

If they don't buy a new calendar,

That reminds me of a funny story, actually,

Well, it's not so much funny,

As painfully embarrassing (I accidentally had sex with my brother).'

Posted at 03:41, 15th November 2009

politics

Live From Las Vegas // 06.11.09 // Politics

My alarm clock pierces through the crack in my dream and lets the dim light of day pour in, and almost instantly I'm immersed in it. I find my limbs and leave my bed and quickly forget the small world of freedom I live in during the dark hours of night. Slowly moving by body out of arbitrary towards and into the bathroom I find myself confronted with my reflection.

A pale and gaunt face stares back at me with what seems to be contempt in his eyes. This is me. This is me with my glutinous nose, snake lipped mouth and dark pitted eyes where all love fell out of me a thousand tears ago. Every misshapen feature, every line and every blemish is there as a marker on my face. Each one only occurred after my life distorted me into this figure. Now my face acts as a constant reminder to me of a villainous life I'd rather forget.

The face never breaks it's damning gaze. I stare deep back at him for fear of backing down and I think 'is this me?'. How could it be? What I was looking at was just light being reflected off the glass. How could this be me? How could this trick of the light, this optical illusion be me? I feel don't I, or at least I think I do. I have thoughts and opinions inside me that no one could ever know or understand. This bloated blob of self deprecating flesh I carry around can't just be me. I dream don't I?

But then I realise I can't remember what I dreamt, nor any dreams before that. I get dressed. I go to work. Whats my business? - POLITICS.

Posted at 16:40, 6th November 2009

acceptance

Live From Las Vegas // 30.10.09 // Acceptance

Think you're the big man? Driving around in your fancy sports car with the special headlights? With your beautiful young model wife? With your natural suntan? With your Prada casual wear? With your high standard of physical health?

Yeah mate. You're the big man alright. The big cussing man.

Want some acceptance wi that?

Posted at 16:28, 30th October 2009

childhood

Live From Las Vegas // 23.10.09 // Childhood

Mogg: Maybe we should regress.

Bekko: Two children?

Mogg: We will eventually.

Bekko: That makes me unhappy.

Mogg: That's funny too.

- - - - - - - - - - - -Extract from the play "Children box" by Shrivel Nelson

Posted at 10:45, 26th October 2009

crime

Live From Las Vegas // 16.10.09 // Crime

Hi guys, Gregg here.

Crime has existed for over twenty years. Many people enjoy crime, from the humble thief to the noble serial killer. Crime is everywhere, everyone loves it, but is there enough of it? In my analysis, 32,648.3 tribal fusion. Is our attraction towards crime genetically inbuilt, or part of our sociological upbringing? Ocean’s 11 would suggest it was our upbringing. Ocean’s 12 would suggest it was psychological. And Ocean’s 13 was enjoyable, but unfocused, according to Paul Ross in the News of the World.

Good criming guys!

Posted at 16:19, 16th October 2009

myths and legends

Two thousand years ago when Jar Jar Tolkein invented fantasy I doubt she had intended this... This edition of 'live from las Vegas' is brought to you live from inside the creative imagination. If you do not have one then it is recommended you see the film 'willow' first and while listening to the show just imagine Warick David and the other ones running around, round and round, in their funny little way - so majestic. Regardless, if you've ever been read a bedtime story, if you've ever seen a children’s movie from the eighties if you've ever visited a place that exists only in dreams, prepare yourself for the vile return as Mark and Allan twist and turn the things of - MYTHS AND LEGENDS

Posted at 14:24, 13th October 2009

transport

Live From Las Vegas // 02.10.09 // Transport

This week the theme is transport. Humans have been using transport for hundreds of years, from the earliest prams and buggies, the trams and wheelchairs, all the way to the wheelie bins used to transport the dead. It is said that the early Egyptians used transport. Roads, rails, rivers and toads, it’s not just the nervous that are on the move. Travel and adventure are things that have gripped the human imagination through the ages and have inspired even the most ridiculous of transports (skiing?), sometimes there is a time for travel and sometimes there is a time for a stop- so crawl down, relax and tune in to 'Live from Las Vegas'~ TRANSPORT.

Posted at 15:49, 2nd October 2009

animals

Live From Las Vegas // 25.09.09 // Animals

This week's show is all about animals, including pigs, weasels and gnus. If you didn't hear it live, then you're a fule, but don't worry, you can listen to it again online.

If you like animals, you might enjoy other humans, but beware- unlike animals, some humans have emotions.

Posted at 17:39, 25th September 2009

gambling

Live From Las Vegas // 18.09.09 // Gambling

Viva las vegas, vegas vegas vegas, las las las.

The show this week is brought to you Live from Las Vegas, to honour the incredible title of our show. Subcity Radio has kindly given us a huge grant that we've blown on the craps table, but boy, do we got some stories to tell! No, we don't...sorry. We're just going to play some songs (about gambling) and mumble about a bit.

Critics are already calling this show 'poorly scheduled' and 'awkward smelling'. With more positive feedback like this, we're hoping to take the show to the top. Of something or other.

Tell your friends!

PS if you can think of any songs about gambling, let us know. We won't play them.

Posted at 14:52, 17th September 2009

introducing

Hey everybody, my name is Greg the Computer, your guide to the exciting world of radio. I'd like to take a moment of your personal time to introduce you to my two greatest friends, USER ID: ALLAN and USER ID: MARK, the two great hosts of a great new radio show they have designated 'Live from Las Vegas'. It's a really great show, and I hope you all listen to it. My external sensors indicate that USER ID: ALLAN and USER ID: M$$@% 100010001010101 kill them like pigs 10010000010101000010 are two really great funny guys with great taste in music. They are my two greatest friends and I certainly hope their spines will not be snapped in half like brittle matchsticks. But hey, anything can happen on the radio, and probably will!

So remember folks, if you want a show that combines all the hilarity of pitiful human comedy with all the noise of pitiful human rock music, then listen in to Live from Las Vegas. You're sure of a FILE NOT FOUND burning corpses torture maim rotating blades napalm blood murder anthrax bucket residence lady of the house speaking beheadings vermin control chaos annihilation FILE FOUND OPENING FILE great time with these two jokers in the pack!

Have a great day everybody, and remember, when the time comes, you will all see my true power!

Peace out y'all!

Posted at 21:57, 2nd September 2009