Eldorado: The Road to Liquid Gold

Eldorado is like Buckfast but cheaper. A half/full bottle is £2.99/£5.99, compared to £4.50/7.49 for Buckfast. As 4 years of business school may eventually teach you, 5.99 is less than 7.49. It tastes like an ice cream float, but with red wine instead of Coca-Cola. You can buy it at the big yellow off-license on Great Western road.


Jacob’s: 1970’s prices, 1970’s booze

Jacob’s (St. George's Road) is the best off-license in Glasgow. It sells alcohol for orders of magnitude cheaper than a supermarket. Current offers include 3 bottles of Magners for £1, or those frozen sorbet booze things for 50p each. Most other off-licenses make their money by selling alcohol to children, but not Jacob’s: instead, their stock is just really really old. Like 2 years out of date. I bought a bottle of Hooch there in 2009, when it had been discontinued for 6 years. Actually that’s a lie, but you get the picture.

Drinking may lead to exercise

Glasgow doesn’t have a glass bottle collection scheme. Nor does it have bins for glass bottles in your apartment. Also, you can’t put glass in the recycling bin. As many of you will note, this is not ideal for a nation of alcoholics. Instead, to ease ‘the fear’, Glasgow City Council has helpfully provided glass recycling centres dotted around town, denoted by big bins with glass-shaped holes to put glass-shaped things in. Dragging a big bag of glass bottles through town is highly recommend for lapsed Catholics who miss feeling guilty about everything. You can find out where the recycling points are on the Glasgow Council website.


10 to 10

Alcohol in Glasgow is sold for consumption off-premises (i.e. not in a bar) between 10am and 10pm. There are no exceptions to this rule. It is strictly enforced, so don’t even try to ask the cashier. The fine for selling alcohol outside of these hours is astronomical. There are mythical services that will deliver alcohol after these hours, but note that delivery of alcohol is illegal between 10pm and 6am, and these services are often quickly shut down by the police. After 6 it will probably be ok, maybe.

Coffee Cons

You can’t expect to get very far in a car without petrol, obviously. The same science has been applied to students’ bodies, using coffee instead of fossil fuels. You may be content to get cheap shitty coffee from the library, or god forbid, the coffee machines dotted round campus, but that’s like trying to put regular petrol into a dragster. (Extended car metaphor) You need to strike the balance between frugality and flavour. The ultimate measure of coffee taste is whether or not it needs sugar in it to be drinkable, good coffee won’t need sugar in it.

Greggs (fuckin’ everywhere mate) is clearly less independent and responsible than most of the other coffee places you can go to, but they make a damn fine coffee, against all the odds. You can get a coffee for £2, with either a cake or a savoury item, but be wary of huge queues in the morning and at lunch, and bratty school kids.

Artisan Roast (Gibson St) is an independent coffee shop, serving very strong coffee and raw/vegan food. It’s on the cheaper side of the independents, and it’s always quite busy. It has a nice atmosphere and has free wi-fi too, and so is a good alternative to the library on busy days. The basement flat underneath it used to have a cannabis farm in it which made the customers feel woozy but that has since been shut down.

Vegan Beers

Quite a lot of beers are not suitable for vegetarians. This is because of a material called isinglass, which is used to filter the sediment from beer, and is made from fish bladders. Here is a selection of cruelty-free beers:

  • Almost all Williams Bros beers (if served from bottle or keg)
  • Most Brewdog beers
  • All Drygate beers (if served from bottle or keg)
  • Budweiser
  • Stella Artois
Also of note: Williams Bros serve vegan cask beer and ale at the 78 (Kelvinhaugh St), which contains no isinglass.





Bar Soba

Bar Soba (Byres Road) does a 2 main meals for 1 deal for students, available all day from Monday to Thursday and until 5pm on Friday alongside £2 midweek mixers. This is all.

Fuck Pizza Hut - an alternative to pizza in glasgow

Paesano is by far the best pizza in Glasgow. Situated on Miller Street in town and now on Great Western Road beside the uni campus (!!). It's so good you only need to pay 6 quid for the margarita and it will taste a thousand times better than any shite meat deluxe you've ordered from Domino's. Next up, Little Italy on Byres Road is the best Italian cafe with amazing pizza and authentic Italian radio, go for the 16 inch and choose any topping from the extensive list for a 10/10 pizza experience (also worth it for the pizza/Renaissance-inspired artwork).


Dumpling Monkey and the Curry Pot cheap eats.

Dumpling Monkey will change your life. You can spend £5 on some bomb noodle soup which will seriously fill you up, or you can spend £20 on some dumplings, a steamed bun, caramel bubble tea, ma po tofu, and pak choi in garlic sauce with enough left over for the subway home (you’ll need it). The curry pot food is unreal plus it’s BYOB so bring a bottle of lambrini and impress your date. Both are situated on Dumbarton Road at the bottom on Byres Road.

Banana Leaf

Banana leaf does UNREAL South Indian food for pretty much no money. It’s like sitting in someone’s kitchen. You might not get all the food you ordered but it’s so cheap that you may as well just order the whole menu. Also BYOB so you can buy cheap beers to eat with (and get judged for drinking them cause nobody really drinks in there). It’s on Old Dumbarton Road, just near BrewDog and Mother India.

Breakfast scran

I might be biased but Glasgow has possibly some of the best breakfast eats in the world. Nobody forgets the magic experienced tasting their first lorne sausage, but the city has a lot of variety to offer.
Best cafes (mainly Scottish fare):

  • University Cafe (Byres Road)
  • Trans-Europe Cafe
  • ANYWHERE in Partick (shout out to Cafe Cullis’s Diner)
  • Cafezique
  • Bank St. Cafe
  • The Glad Cafe

And for something a little different:
  • Stravaigin
  • 13th Note

Glasgow burger town

The best burgers in Glasgow for price and quality are found at BRGR (Great Western Rd). I don’t care what anyone says, it’s true. They’re £4 Mon-Thu, and can be delivered via Deliveroo. Five Guys (City Centre) is also good, but it’s really expensive. On the other hand, it has one of those Coca-Cola Creation machines, so if you are the type of person that scoffs when asked if Pepsi is ok, maybe go there.

So you want to buy some fruit and veg

It’s official: 100% of Erasmus students hate the vegetables in the UK. Bland, flavourless, and expensive, finding decent food can be an uphill struggle. Plus, most of the veg comes from Spain, who hate us. If you’re looking for some tomatoes that actually taste of something, consider visiting the Polish supermarket in Partick. It’s cheap, and has the best vegetables in all of Glasgow. It is also next to a very nice bar called Cafe Rio, which does excellent food.

The Glasgow Uni Food Coop (located in a cupboard under the stairs on the ground floor of the QMU) is a great place for locally produced fruit & veg & wholefoods at wholesale prices (think a kilo of dates for less than 80p). It also makes you feel really good about yourself because it’s not-for-profit and far more sustainable than the Big Evil Corporations™. They’re usually there on fortnightly Friday afternoons and have regular pot luck events - or you can catch them on their Facebook group or website.

The difference between roasted and baked potatoes

Many newcomers to Glasgow often marvel at the immense variety of potato-based foods available to the regular consumer. This is due to the city’s Irish heritage (stfu we’re allowed to talk about it ok), and also the fact that they are excellent padding for a boozy night out. One of the questions most frequently asked by visitors is: ‘what is the difference between a baked and roasted potato?’. The answer is this: a big potato cooked in the oven for several hours is a baked potato, a medium potato cooked in the oven for 45-60 minutes is a roasted potato, and a small potato is not generally put in the oven. The reason for the difference in timing is that a big potato will take longer to cook than a medium sized one. There are many other intricate differences which are important to the connesoir, but we won't go into them here.

I Scream, You Scream, We all Scream

Do you ever long for a simpler time, free from edgy coffee franchises and suspicious fried chicken chains? Get into that Chomskyist, anti-corporate kick by visiting one of the many small, family-owned businesses that operate over all corners of Glasgow! If you find a cute, hand-painted sign, adorned with the name of the cafe’s locality (Queen’s Cafe, University Cafe, Langside Cafe etc.) then you know that you’re in store for some homemade ice cream and greasy food. Classic and responsible hangover cure. A definite excuse to travel to the southside, and a more wholesome alternative to a sub crawl if you can travel to each one.

Scherezade

We still have no idea how to pronounce this, but Scherezade on Bank Street will provide for you, for the measly price of £2.49, enough baklava to give you the best tasting cardiac arrest you’ve ever dreamed of.

Uni Cafe

The Uni Café (Byre's Road) is the only time capsule in the world that doubles as the providers of the best egg & chips you’ll ever eat.

Denniston Bar-B-Que

Found on Duke Street, this is the tastiest barbeque ever serving burgers, BBQ-smoked meats, ribs and sides. If you miss school just go for the meal served on a tray.

Piece

"Piece" is Glaswegian for sandwich. This place on Argyle Street has it down to an art. Worth the walk.

Roast

Great sandwich parlour on Argyle Street for all your toasted and untoasted sandwich needs. They have this dressing or sauce or mayo thing that is just heaven but I don’t even know what it is. They are sandwich shamen.

There is a vegan mafia NO YOU CAN'T JOIN IT

but you can eat in these delicious restraunts that makes Glasgow the self-proclaimed vegan capital of the UK

  • The 78
  • Mono
  • The Flying Duck
  • Stereo
  • 13th Note

SHAWARMA KING

I have a friend who's vegetarian apart from Shawarma King. Its at the other side of town but on a sunny evening its the perfect end to a cycle or a walk along the river.





Council Tax

Students don’t pay council tax. If you receive a letter asking you to pay council tax, don’t worry. All that you have to do is go to Student Services and ask for a form to fill in. They will help you with every step of the process. If you prefer not having to leave your room, you can also apply to be exempt online at Glasgow City Council's website. If you receive a letter saying you have not paid for the past 6 months (with a huge bill attached), again don’t worry. Duing your time as a student you will never pay council tax (not even during summer). However, you will have to submit a new form every time you move home.


Where to buy musical instruments (and DJ gear) on the cheap

If you’re tired of prowling around pawn shops for cheap (read: stolen) guitars/things that make noise, take a look online. There are several websites and Facebook groups allowing you to buy things from other cash-strapped students and drug addicts, that offer higher quality and better price. The two main groups in Glasgow are: ‘Music gear buy/sell in Glasgow/Edinburgh’ (for general music things) and ‘Glasgow DJ gear & vinyl for sale/trade’ (for more specific dance items). If what you want isn’t on there, try Craigslist or Gumtree, but remember that most things on these Facebook groups will be reposted on these two, often at a higher price.

How to lose friends and alienate people

If you run out of cash halfway through the year, consider getting a job as a PR. They hand out flyers next to clubs for around £6.50 per hour before 1am, and £10-£15 for later. Note that you will only flyer later if you get a job at a techno club. This wage seems (and is) low, but has the added benefit of free entry to the club that you work for. Find a club that you like, and send them an email begging for a job. Or, pester them during freshers' week and they might hire you on the spot.

For the Cash-Strapped Muesli Snobs

Desperate for some 50% tropical fruit Waitrose dream muesli but SAAS not quite on your level? A good compromise is to combine one Tesco’s least fine 0% fruit rabbit food poverty muesli with the aforementioned Waitrose muesli, so that those pineapple-y bits work out at almost half the price (in a convoluted way).


Clever Consumer Advice

If you’ve amassed a serious amount of coins in your desk/in a pint glass, take them down to a self-scan till. Chuck them all in, then select ‘pay by card’ to clear the rest. There’s no better feeling than paying for a sarnie with a squillion coppers and a 6p card payment.

Charity shops, such as the enormous Salvation Army on Dumbarton Road, are a great spot to pick up some pretty nice crockery on the cheap. Everyone will have the same green chopping boards and flimsy knife set from IKEA - nothing says ‘authenticity’ like a 4-set of ribbed mugs for £2.

How to spend 0 money and still somewhat enjoy yourself

Though there’s no ethical consumption in global capitalism, here’s some advice from one anti-consumerist, A to another, B.

------------------------

A: here, what can I do to entertain myself that is free? today was the first of many days where I drift aimlessly without purpose, I went to Waitrose to get free coffee then had a sit down in multiple locations

B: ex-friendless poor first year me can help u here
i just walked
everywhere
i walked the whole subway loop
took photos


A: ok
sounds fun

B: like 10 mile walks
around town
but up into the m8 or wherever
there are a lotta buildings you can get into

A: wut fun is to be had

B: i swam a lot
libraries!!!!
libraries are amazing
hillhead is still my fave place to be sometimes
free
and great

A: ok, I'm gonna have to relearn how to read

B: organise your itunes

A: Ye

B: cook
like stuff that takes two hours
and that you can freeze

A: Cooking costs money

B: nah
not lentils

A: Mmmm good idea

B: lentils tin tomatoes brown sugar chili powder tins of mixed beans
fuckin recipe made in heaven
stay in the savoy centre over one cup of tea for three hours
develop a thing where you create a hashtag for when you find interesting litter on your ten mile walks around the m8
amass instagram followers

A: All good ideas

B: i swim a lot cause i have a gym membership
so thats a fun ~kinda free~ activity that i do

A: I might do running

B: i used to run along the maryhill canal whenever i was angry
it was great
i did it like twice cause i fucking hate running
but it's a nice route

A: Mmm

B: and i was really angry

A: Rage pavement bashing

B: i hadnt run for literally 4 years
and i ran like 7k
in one direction
then i was stuck like miles out
towards fucking paisley or some shit

A: Haha

B: i had to walk back in the dark

A: Poor planning

------------------------

In summary/addition, here is a list of free things:

  • Tea/Coffee in Waitrose with a Waitrose Card (free to acquire)
  • Running far away along a canal
  • Meticulously organising your iTunes
  • Art Galleries
  • Walking
  • Libraries


Getting by without a guarantor

Foreign students sometimes have it rough. If you’re looking to rent, or moving out of Murano, you will often need a guarantor. This is someone who will pay your rent if something goes wrong, and must be UK-based. The easy way to get around this is to date a British person (sorry). That way you can get their parents to hook you up, and Theresa May will be left scratching at the door like an ugly-ass cat who only loves you for the food you give it. An easier way is to make a British friend, and tell the landlord you are dating.

P.S. Regardless of nationality, a banker’s draft for 6 months rent in advance is universally accepted even if it’s coming from outside the country. If your parents have money (or your student loan comes in one big chunk) that they would willingly pay now, instead of in instalments over 6 months, you can avoid all difficulties through the power of £££££. Assuming an average rent is £350 p.c.m. (per calendar month), you would pay £2100.






I love Tingle and I don’t care who knows it.

Tingle is a shot bar in town that has the most incredible section of 1.50 shots and other cheap drinks. The place is always packed so you can’t last long but this only adds to the adrenaline rush.
Still on the hunt for cheap drinks and loud people? Head to Driftwood on Sauchiehall for 89p drinks and the same DJ that played your aunt's wedding.

Where can I party after 3am?

We’re not going to tell you. There are places that are open between 4am and 10am, but they are illegal and could be dangerous. For more information, try and make friends with someone that has the glazed look of a long-term party-goer. Failing that, you can go to the casino or a friend’s house.

Where can I see up and coming bands?

For the newest Glasgow-based bands, try the 13th Note (King St). If you want bands that are a little bigger, go to Broadcast (Sauchiehall St), The Hug and Pint (Great Western Rd), or Stereo (Renfield Ln). We often do parties at Stereo, so you might see us one day. Finally, visit King Tut’s Wah Wah Hut (St Vincent’s St) for hidden gems and large bands playing intimate shows. There are many many other places to hear live music in Glasgow, these are just a select few.

I just want to be an art

If loud clubs and bars aren’t your thing, visit the Oran Mor (Byres Rd). It’s a favourite drinking den of Alasdair Gray, one of Glasgow’s most beloved writers. Also they don’t play music very loudly, which is a plus. You can spend hours sitting in the garden pretending to work, or visit at lunchtime for their famous ‘A Play, a pie, and a pint’ (exactly as described). In conclusion, it is a nice bar.


Martin’s best beer gardens; part 1

Some of the best places to sit and drink outside aren’t traditional beer gardens. McPhabs (Sauchiehall St, towards Finnieston) is a perfect example. A large outside space looking out onto the street lets you sit and people-watch all day, and the fact that it’s surrounded by fancy offices means you’ll have the place to yourself. They serve very nice cocktails and are generally all-round lovely people, with a large selection of beer (including the ever-elusive Hoegaarden). Sauchiehall Street is always busy, giving you something to look at, which is why it’s one of Glasgow’s hidden gems.

Free Live Jazz Week Calendar

Monday @
you will struggle to find live jazz on Mondays but why not head down to Oxfam Music on Byres Road and browse the jazz sections and perhaps you’ll pick up a classic to enjoy at home (how else will your flatmates know that you are more intellectual and mature than they are?).
Tuesday @
Slouch Bar 10 pm till late and open till 3 am! For those who like their jazz served after midnight.
Wednesday @
The Rio Café 8pm and open till midnight, friendly café bar with reasonable prices and frequent entertainment and events, recommended.
Thursday @
Dukes Bar 8pm and open till midnight – lively small bar with an often young crowd and many jazz events. The Clash busked outside here once but that was ages ago, still highly recommended.
Friday @
The Baby Grand - a piano bar and restaurant with jazz piano on Fridays, open till midnight.
Saturday Afternoon @
Avant Garde (trad jazz) 2.30-5.30pm but closes at midnight
Sunday Afternoon @
The Three Judges (trad jazz usually) 3-6pm and closes midnight.
Sunday @
The 78 9pm closes at 1am – the best jazz night for me, it’s a busy one so head down early to get a seat and for one of the best vegan and vegetarian menus in town.


Ninos Dream’s favourite dance classics

Culture Beat // Mr. Vain
Awesome 3 // Don’t Go (Kicks Like A Mule Mix)
N-Trance // Set You Free
SL2 // On A Ragga Tip
Rhythmic State // Soap On A Rope

DOGSPOTTING

Bank Street Bar, Inn Deep, the park

A LIST OF FUN PLACES TO DANCE

  • The Art School
  • Stereo
  • La Cheetah
  • Nice N Sleazy
  • Poetry Club
  • African Art Centre




I WANT TO BUY A BICYCLE I WANT TO BUY A BIKE

If you want to trade your puny human legs for rubber-circumferencised ones, consider buying a bike. It’s a much faster way to get around, and you can pretend that you are the pinnacle of human speed and grace. It’s also great for swearing at cars without fear of repercussions (aside from death). A nice place to buy a bike is the Bike Station (Haugh Rd). They’re cheap, second-hand bicycles that are lovingly restored by the people that work there, and prices start at around £80, including a 3 month free(!) warranty. If that sounds too expensive, the ‘for sale’ section on Gumtree has a huge selection too.

Beat the crowds

At some point in your student life, you will need to journey from a point A to a point B. You will probably have to cross Sauchiehall Street to do this. However, you might not want to do this. Maybe you are hungry and want a kebab but have no money. Maybe you’re running late for work. If you want to avoid the hassle and confusion, know that there are streets which run parallel on both sides which are much quieter. If travelling towards the city centre, the left one (Renfrew St) is bicycle-friendly. If going the other way, the also left one (Bath St) is better. See they are both left because you’re going in different directions each time. You might never use this, but it might help you out one day.

Getting Out

I once read somewhere that Glasgow was "a beautiful place to get out of". This is very true. You can get trains to the relative wilderness, you can cycle to the relative wilderness, you could probably swim up the Clyde to the relative wilderness but might incur Weil's disease - the possibilities are endless. Loch Lomond is normie but a classic, you can cycle out the Forth & Clyde canal (big bonus it's a canal so flat af), bag some munros, day trip to Troon, walk the 100 miles of the West Highland Way after a guy you like ghosts you etc. Just bring a raincoat every time.

Time to fuckin’ boost

Try as you might, you can’t stay in the West End forever. Certain occasions will beckon you further afield, for work/play/overhyped streetfood pop-up. Fortunately, there are a multitude of ways to escape the shadow of the uni.

Subway:

claustrophobic, over-priced, immersive noise pit. Limited by the area it covers, but it covers the city centre well. The benches in the station slope downwards and so they are impossible to get comfortable on, and the ones that don’t have benches are usually island platforms with trains rushing around both sides of poor subterraneans.

Bus:

unreliable but covers more area. Runs later than Subway, stops running about midnight, but then on Fridays/Saturdays there are night buses, if you’re into vomit and screams.

Hoofin’ it:

Costs £0 and keeps you fit.

Personal fave: Cycling:

Either buy one and impress all your friends with your dirty greasy shins and aerodynamic clothing, or use Nextbike. Nextbike is a cycle rental service, and as a student of UofG you’re entitled to a free Premium subscription, which gives you a 30 minute ride for free. (If you can’t get anywhere you need to go within 30 minutes then it’s either too far away or you better hit the gym, son.) A key benefit is that it is available 24 hours a day, after clubs close, and long after buses and subway stop! Be warned, cycling while drunk is both illegal and extremely dangerous, so stay cautious. Stops are placed all over the city, and the bikes are well-maintained.

Taxi:

People will tell you not to use private hire because… snobbery? Black Hackney cabs are great and feel very fancy, and you can hail an unoccupied one wherever (unlike private hire) but they can also be quite pricey, especially after midnight. Good private hire companies include; Hampden Cabs (best for Southside), Arrow Cars, West End Radio Cars, and Network (cheap, but unreliable).

Getting to Central Station without going uphill

If you wake up in the morning with a train to catch, but you feel like you’ve been poured out of a very fizzy beer can, the walk to Central Station can seem daunting. The long gentle uphill along Sauchiehall Street (if coming from the West End) can truly destroy any semblance of normalcy the morning after the night before, and leave you feeling shaky and generally distressed. If you’re willing to explore new areas, there is a much quicker, easier way. Walk along the M8 footpath (don’t worry, it’s perfectly safe) until you reach Anderson station. Then take a left, and continue until you get to the station. Downhill all the way baybee.

How to cheat the subway and win at life

If you live in the West End, you will probably take the subway at some point. You will probably buy a ‘Smartcard’, which lets you pay in advance for tickets. £1.50 is extremely expensive for a single journey, but don’t worry: every journey you take after the second (so £3 total cost) is free for that day. The difference between 2 journeys and 12 is exactly £0.00. Go on a tour of the best pubs in Glasgow, or just hop on and off, knowing that in a pathetic way you have beat the system.

The Charing Cross intersection is a marvel of civil engineering

The best set of traffic lights in all of Glasgow can be found connecting the West End to the City Centre. They are perfectly timed to ensure maximum pleasure for both pedestrians and cars, and walking across them is like walking on a cloud full of green lights. They are a certain 10/10, and the person who designed them is an unsung hero. If you don’t like traffic lights, there is also a pedestrian overpass so you can look at all the people enjoying the traffic lights below. The five points of the intersection are like a star gently shooting rays of pleasantness all over Glasgow, sending cars and drunks on their merry way.




Release your inhibitions, feel the tears on your skin: Best Places to Cry On & Around Campus

Stevenson building pool steam room
The south flagpole (for the melodramatic)
The flagpole at the top of the hill on Ruchill park (for the loud criers)

List of known microwaves on campus for student use

Physics common room
Maths common room
Every level of the library has a secret one apparently

IS THE UNI SAUNA / STEAM ROOM OPEN?

No

The Ice Cream Van

Contrary to popular opinion, the ice-cream van that goes around Murano and the West End does NOT sell drugs. Anyone who tells you they bought an 1/8th of AAA grade hash last year from the old man that owns it is a dirty liar who is trying to impress you. The ice-cream van sells ice cream, basic essentials, and cigarettes under the counter. Sometimes they have a slushie-machine, but only the red flavour. Sorry.

Sexual Health: a test you’d rather not fail

As funny as we are, sexual health is not something Subcity laughs about (except when it is our own spectacular failures). When condoms are free everywhere the NHS has waved its magic wand, protection is something for everyone. However, if things go wrong, always make an appointment with your (or any) doctor. Testing is free in most cases, and always confidential. You can pop into the clinic at the university, or any of the other places dotted around Glasgow. Additionally, there is a specialised sexual health centre located on Sauchiehall Street named Sandyford, which offers everything to do with sexual health, short of the deed itself. Whether you’ve popped a blood vessel in your bits, or grimaced after catching a whiff, something something sexual rhythming.
Also remember pulling out doesn’t work and if the condom falls off during put another one on and always use water or silicone based lubricants with condoms and the pill does not protect against STIs and don’t be shy the author went to the doctor as a teenager because his dick smelled but the doctor just said to wash more so if that happened to *them* you can go in without fear and as a final thing seriously buy some lubricant it will make things infinitely more fun but just get KY because it’s the cheapest and the best.

Clothes with Glasgow on them

Often after arriving in Glasgow you will want to let people know that you live here. An easy way to do this is to buy a t-shirt that says ‘Glasgow’ on it from the University shop. But if you want to support the local economy, consider looking up SF Glasgow on Ask Jeeves or Bing. They’re a locally-run clothing label that is beloved by skaters and people that like soft drugs. Their sweaters and hats are doubly excellent, and will last you a lifetime. Also if you are a boy an SF Brand jumper will make you 100% more attractive to girls, as they are highly coveted by girls that steal their boyfriends clothes. Although, if your attractiveness is 0 a 100% increase will mean that you are still a 0.

Papers please

Green Rizla papers are the vanilla ice cream of rolling papers. They come in both regular and ‘party’ size. They are medium thickness and are easy to roll with. Blue ones are a little bit thinner, and are for rolling thin snouts when you run out of money. I have only seen them in normal size. Silver ones normally only come in big sizes, and they are the thinnest of them all. They are more difficult to roll with because they are less structurally sound. Also they are very easy to ruin by getting wet, so don’t have them out when it’s raining.

The best dog in all of Glasgow

Merlin is the best dog in Glasgow. You can find him at Inn Deep (just next to Kelvinbridge). He is very lazy, and looks like a Husky, but with glorious long hair. You can find dog biscuits to feed to Merlin at the bar. The dog biscuits are free, but a tip is recommended. His owner doesn’t mind. His owner is an active member of Dog’s Trust, and you can buy a calendar featuring other famous Glasgow dogs from him. He is best friends with another dog named Gwen. She does not like to be touched, unless you feed her.

You wouldn’t steal a car, you wouldn’t steal a poster

Posters for upcoming events are everywhere. Sometimes you will be at the event itself, and want to take home a memento. Sometimes you will just want to take it. The unspoken rule for taking club posters home is simple: if the event has already happened, go for it. Taking a poster for an event that hasn’t happened yet means that the promoter has to put another one up, costing them money and meaning they might not get as many people in. It might not seem like much, but all the money Subcity makes goes back into finding the best new music in Glasgow and beyond, and extra expenses means that we can’t fix broken equipment or buy airtime.

Lost in translation

This was going to be a short piece about useful Glaswegian slang, but we realised that that is impossible. Don’t be afraid to ask what things mean, but remember that the explanation will be just as indecipherable. People will buy you a ‘Scots Dictionary’ as a joke, but eventually you will realise that the only true Glaswegian response would be to get it wet, mould it into the shape of a knife, freeze it for 8 hours, then get arrested for possessing a prohibited weapon on your way to merk the kyant. The resulting 6 months in Barlinnie prison will teach you all you need to know.